Insomniac rest

Somnambulist unruhe

Corporeal nightly

My Time

custody warfare
life held with no exhaling
so few battles won

carefully chosen
choked words have many meanings
every email screams

ferocious insides
waiting for the chance to pounce
clawing at my gut

negotiations
veiled forcably in stone-faced
syncompated fears

there are no peace talks
he usurped territory
time to get mine back

gas bubbles stagnant
filling new spaces inside
I pray for silence

Post migraine distress
out of commission all day
the storm grows heavy

A to Z 2013

are all arachnids
annoying, and angrily
angling all alone?
 

she just assumed it
even when she wasn't told
it was all her fault

Surveying Abuse

Unpacking my brain,
I noticed the hoarded muck
welded into it.

No longer for use,
the beautiful folds are sealed,
parts of me trapped there.

Anger's firey heat,
fueled with regret, loss, and hate,
consumed foundations.

Sharp edged memories
bite hard at my unsound mind;
leaving their filth.

If I move the refuse
away from the damaged parts,
will it all fall down?

Its overwhelming
what needs to be decluttered;
odds and ends jammed in.

Each miscellany,
excruciating to know,
haunts my heart and bones.

Try, fail, try, fail try,
I pick at distressed debris,
buried in what falls.

So much destruction,
the peace will never come back;
innocence is gone.
 

Red Flushes

Her chest flushes red.
Is it inactivity?
from holding breath still?

Instead of crying,
rather than punch walls, screaming,
Her chest flushes red.

If I could bottle
courage like I bottle up
in fear I'd be fine

I need a doctor
I'm afraid of telephones
and don't have a car

Real Meaning

"Mom, you're a hero"
I laughed, asking what she meant.
"Mom, you're my hero"

new shute

I'm not a teacher
I used to be a great one
but not anymore

I made notations
of what got my mind off things
what gave me some peace

Its in a garden
working with dirt and flowers
and people and stone

I inquired on time
(maybe its what I needed)
At last I'm hopeful

My life needs to grow
its been dormant for so long
I am SO ready

I was Right!

Personality
quiz told me I need to be
outside and moving

Administration?
Customer Service? Desk job?
Those would be my death

I thought it was weird
Why this makes me feel insane
And there you have it


 

 

Last night she told me
that she didn't miss me now
"not like I see you"

but I have a job
that I leave her for daily
to fend on her own

it ripped my heart out
(but I don't want her to know)
the sore's still bleeding

Image by: Dorryce Rock

I ate three donuts
I call it emotional
but thats no excuse

I sit on my porch
my feet likely have frostbite
but here I'm ok

Its not a garden
this balcony bathed in light
anticipating...

It longs for the spring
as I await happiness
with such hopeful soil

It is so lonely
in my head.  I dare not share
the isolation

I can make beauty
but cannot hold it within
Its the same with peace

Langston, My Love

I want to explode.
I once burned bright like the sun
-but that's been deferred

Festering regret
a sore begun in my heart
is now so heavy

My dreams are dried up
rotten sugar promises
What happened to me?

More insomnia
a celebratory glass
I've fallen apart

women prostitutes
left with no other option
I understand why

My Daughter's Disappointment

I should be grateful
And I am.  Really.  Just not...
Happy about it.

With my daughter's face
in full beauty and sadness
I saw it all drop

"I got a job, hon"
I gave the news in person
just minutes before

She knew the meaning
Spending more time with her dad
and less time with me

I had her same hours
I taught with the same hours she
learned.  And I loved it

But all that's gone now
For over a full year now
and I need to earn

Less than half my pay
I'll settle for less than that
If I can keep her

I can't afford death
(And I'd die if I lost her)
I needed a job

And I am grateful
I'm just not very happy
To lose time with her

understand, for me
emotional suicide
sits at a desk job

I chose humbly so
hours would not replace my kids
and they won't.  I won't.

Soon to interview
data entry bullet holes
for whatever's left

Destruction must come
without it, there's on rebirth
and stasis is dull

Hard Kiss

hand on bare torso
in an alleyway hiding
hair grab.   pull.     hard kiss

Exile in Layoff Land

Exiled from a life

I spent my whole life building

leaves me in the dark

What is expected

After you've been rejected

with no other plans?


When I was let go

I started in shock, denial

then... anxiety

Then worse rejection

losing opportunities

to lower-paid kids

When you work and live

and raise children and vote there

and know half the town

Constant reminders

Of a bastardized lifestyle

Everywhere I go

My friends all have jobs

where I worked/lived for so long

now I don't see them

How could I see them?

A walk through the market sucks,

I duck behind aisles!

But I love my kids

and they really love this town

So I choke it back

I need the fuck out

out of this shame and anger

I'll stay in this town.

But not in this place

I'm done with their witch-hunt

I LIVE here. So deal.

The Looking Glass

I don't recognize
the shadows under my eyes
the lines by my lips

I know the stretch marks
my apostrophes for cheeks
the scar from a fall

I laugh at myself

as white hairs peek through red dye

springing up like weeds

a skeleton leaps out

a visage reflecting light
wearing a grimace

I'd look to see whose,
but the sadness in my eyes
can't get close enough

Sex Tool

sex is a tool, love
not as bastardized machine
but fortifying

exquisite is the

lovers' use of expression

when there are no words

a gift to console;
-making up after a fight
requires its sweetness

sex is pure evil
when used against innocence
or the unwilling

sad. many just "do,"
without valuing its taste
or understanding

sex is dynamic;
it mends, destroys, and rebuilds
-please, use it wisely

Two Gifts

I don't regret it

That is to say I do but 

for my life's two gifts

And though I give all

I won't give them up ever

and so am stuck here

Second is ok.

I give them first whole-hearted

and without regret

...but I do regret

and those become midnight toils

questions unanswered

If I called the cops...

If I wasn't so afraid...

If I was stronger...

It should be enough

to know that I DID protect

to know they won't know

Memories are torture

I barricaded my doors

bed pans in the room

"It's just a game, see?

We can't let him in the room.

Just wait for quiet."

"Hear say" it was called

It only happened one time

(afraid to say more...)

And so it repeats

what I couldn't say in court

again in my head

Not in words that shy

But unexpected floods

of sharp images

Not when I expect

But from nowhere -everywhere

It is happening

Three peaceful years went

He was treating them better

with half custody

I suppressed/blacked out

(many are gone forever)

-our... my memories

I left.  I have them.

They make all bad into good

And I did change it

I did it for them

They don't remember his deeds

but I am haunted 

Entrapment

I am trapped by life.

The one I worked at wholly

has left me undone

My lifetime I learned

Sacrificing and working

-only to stop shy

If only I lacked thirst,

but I have ambition, need

the mind to create...

Without a purpose

I am denying myself

and my brain runs dry

My intellect burns

with every application

for a numb lifestyle

I am NOT a wife

Not a telemarketer

nor doctor nor cop

It's not the income

or a prideful mindset, no

I know what I am.

What I hold is a

beauty of intelligence

and the gift to share

I am a scholar,

thinker, writer, teacher

all been left to rot

Cruel injustices
like lapping waves of feces
disease my bare feet

I blanked memories
Not everything can be healed
Maybe I was kind?

When the light goes out,
Some think it can be re-lit.
-Not when its broken.

Two weeks left until
(Death. End. Fucked. Damned. Lost. Broke. Screwed.)
Unemployment Ends

In My Beginning

I have no more dreams
I've already used them up
That's why I can't sleep

I have no more goals

been there, done that, made my bed

That's why I can't work

I have no more faith

I want it back, but lost it

That's why I can't rest

I have no more strength

disease, fat, and apathy

That's why I can't grow

I have no more dreams

they were taken with my youth

That's why I can't grow

I have no more goals

my compass upon magnet

That's why I can't rest

I have no more faith

the world changed and kicked me out

That's why I can't work

I have no more strength

Weariness became a wraith 

That's why I can't sleep

dreams, goals, faith, & strength

I see opportunity

(where do I begin?)

Secrets

I have a real friend
This one's not made up, I swear!
We met once upon...

And my real friend

Does amazing jumping jacks

Its like in a dream...

My real friend loves me

We might have slept together

-No happy ending...

One time my real friend
Got in touch with me, and screamed.
I wasn't afraid...

Now, with my real friend
I can go even faster
running away is...

Every real friend knows
-Just like we all do, savvy?
understanding that...

Make a real friend cry

rainfall -not crocodile tears;

it is forbidden...

Its a real friend who,

provides in times of great need

it won't be long now...

No real friend can hide

secrets, lullabies, candy

there is no escape...

Does your real friend leave?

In the day or in the night?

I am always here

Agonizing sleep
somewhere beyond my window
is with another

Pandora's Secret

Inner honesty
Is a lie until  its told
Thus told as a lie

Strength

Behind my closed eyes
I pray for rest, peace, and strength
Also when I wake

Behind my closed eyes

All purity is blemished

Also when I wake

Behind my closed eyes

I run, glued to where I stand

Also when I wake

Behind my closed eyes

My hope collapsed in heartache

Also when I wake

Behind my closed eyes

I search as though in quicksand

Also when I wake

Behind my closed eyes

I pray for nothing.  At length

Also when I wake

Behind my closed eyes

He begs me Love hold my hand

Also when I wake

Behind my closed eyes

Hope crescendos in a quake

Also when I wake

Behind my closed eyes

He should let go, yet withstands 

Also when I wake

Behind my closed eyes

I'm Pure; veil of darkness shed

Also when I wake

Behind my closed eyes

I pray for guidance, grace, strength

Also when I wake

Monkeys eat beatles
Cockroaches conquer primates
See? Beatles win!

Sleeping supplements

are contraindicative

with ADHD 

If I wrote a song
sonnet quatrain verse or ode
to "peace" -would it come?

Why do positive
motivating tweets bug me?
Can't I just be mad?

People say I'm deep
It makes me want to scream out:
"I'm drowning, Idiots!"

My, "used to" beliefs,
Fortifying, nourishing;
I don't even thirst

My body; so tired
Did it begin when I died?
My severed soul needs...

I used to sing -free
I listened when told to stop
Have you heard my voice?

The nicks on my legs
are economical proof
that I'm unemployed

Attorney no-show

Through war I kept it simple
and appeared "pro-se"

Who would sleep alive
with so, -so much to process
we stop when we die

Mind always busy,
working, writing; I'm thinking:
when will it slow down?

I could make dinner,
(find job, prep court, call doctors)
-but when would I eat?

I love "Blind Melon"
-career hardly lasted, but
Shannon Hoon could croon!

My opinion counts.
Angry at the news, posted
quite politically

Coordination:

If I were a stunt double, 

would I still fall down?

I hear children's screams

unable to protect them

(if only reaching reached)

Don't go to sleep, now-

I fly; wind blows me awry

I can hardly swim

Reach for Me; See Me!

Denied the access
to the door I belong to
behind which, they are

but he has come too
coercing with temptations
-manipulations

knocking on the door
Blown off-course I soar, grasping
my hands connect: door

he is inside it
the building I can't open
the lock is broken

he takes them in stride
without letting them see me
takes them far away

My voice breaks the glass
"SEE ME, NOW! SEE YOUR MOTHER!!!"
metal criss-crossed lies

he turns his head; smirks
I see the blindfolds and gags
that he  binds them with

Access is denied
I birthed them, but look different
name, coloring. cards

Try until I die;
Without the proper papers
They can never reach

Debating a treat
for here or home for a meal
...maybe just coffee

Cuckold

He'd sleep on the desk
not kissing the kids goodnight
forgetting his bed

Suspicions denied
there was no need to worry;
She was related

Assured once again
false gestures to assuage me
She'd talk with my kids


Suspicions again
"friends," late nights, quiet phone calls
(our mothers saw through)


Apologizing
for a son she'd raised better
-We all missed the mark

Everybody knew
but nobody would have guessed
they would be cousins

Keep asking questions
(This secret of rhetoric
will win a debate)

Only the Beginning

I was so afraid
when he mentioned a divorce
so, suffered his wrath

threats of stealing them
my babies, gone in the night
to his birth country

He'd have me locked up
but bent me over in bed
bruise my wrists and ---thrust---

Finally, one night
I stood by; held my children
so he knocked us down

Baby and toddler
with me, forced down to the tile
too afraid to cry

He plucked one from me
-the fear in my son's silence
pulled from my embrace

And into a room
no cries, screams, breathing or noise
What was happening!

I pounded the door
feared him "hushing" my baby
and fell to my knees

Praying for babe's breath
holding my daughter so tight
I bartered my life

Bellowing laughter
"What did you think I would do!"
I fell in the door

And then I saw it.
nothing.  an empty baby.
he would fear no more

My son would survive
but would never trust again
No more innocence


From that night forward
my daughter would always fear
subconsciously fear


Thank God they were young
Barely two and five years old
They won't remember

This man I'd married
damaging my children's lives
does he have a soul?

I think he knew it-
though only for that moment,
He didn't want dawn

Why did I stop him?
Driven off to kill himself
I stopped him.  We fled.

He likes to... "Control"
Even at the sacrifice
Of our kids' welfare

I'm so fired up
He prevented medical
Care for our daughter