I am nostalgia
Pin-up curvy, soft bangs, red.

-I'm stopped for stories

Gentlemen see both

Anastasia and a Scot

-History reveals...

Heroes, romance, war,
bravery, honor, and pride

-That was long ago


Loves, now long deceased
Along with too many friends

-"Should have seen me when..."


Just my hair alone!
welcomed such gifts from strangers

-Glimpses of their truth

Real secret of style?

2:00 a.m. bathroom haircuts

...and goodwill clothing

trapped in argument
one side -so irrational,
yet wins every time.

(its making up for
breaking down... waking up from
settling.)  Begin.  Be.

Ideas, waking life

my closed-eyed disturbances

too often become

pulsing mind, I fall
dizzy from the subwoofer
dancing in my head

Why purgatory?

To leave with epiphany...

It never was me!

Destroy this writer?
Strip confidence!  Joy!  Meaning!
-fool gave me more ink.

A grammar goddess
seeks power in one letter
-not capital gain

It is aparent;
he who destroys self worth, lives-
has no principals

Patience for breathing
an agonizing lesson
so misunderstood

Where is, "forgiveness"?
in a bottle? in your heart?
Will we fall apart?

How Fucking dare you!
molest my words, break my trust
Your eyes betrayed me

My mind has been raped;
Freedom, plucked from my journal-
Nothing is my own

Evidence of life:
stretch-marks, wrinkles, scars, white hair-
all are signs of gain

She turns ten today
But this is the first wanting.
Not with me; I cry

I prefer the fall
No longer burdened; succumb
the moment of change

do we spin to fall?
sensible childhood joys twist;
now we fear to spin

An endless retreat
into myself with ravens
flailing at the waves

She is suicide-
The Siren who bursts your heart
with Satan's last song

Prickly positive
cranial-sphincter syndrome
comfortably contained

It scares you?  I'm fine.
The phone rings; I can't answer
-it will be more bad news

Moments of brilliance,
I thought earned commendation
were misunderstood

Run away from it
anything that commits you
ties are binding foes

When life interrupts
its just life as it were
-else it be called death

To be satisfied;
a conundrum for mankind
If only we could...

Peaceful vengeance is
surpassing expectation
with only my grace

So few joys surpass
interpretations of film
to literature

I voted for it
as "humanitarian"
Never thought I'd, "need"

It is official.
Food stamps, unemployment, kids.
I am a poet.

I don't want to go
I'm back to escaping life
and don't know myself

"Raw" is forbidden
I should choose insanity
to let the hurt go

Sacrificed 30's
in misery, loss, and pain.
When is my reward!

Teens and twenties gone
Working for caged direction
ALL can be taken

I was stripped and raped
A school I gave my love to
betrayed me for this

Three years into death
I had a month of freedom
but am damned once more

I should take a bath
run a mile, stop the bile, start
start to care again

I can be normal
but I have to hold my breath
until they come back

Vomit aftermath

isn't punishment enough

for what I went for

Not the sin I did
But the guilt I flew onto
gate of hell right through

Rather bleed it all
painful to look into shards
mirror in forearm

Unemployment checks
a mockery of what I
used to be; I'm null

Live until you don't?
Thanks, Regina, but I'm dead
on the radio

How much must one drink
to make it all go away
and wake up ok?

I have so much here
too much to ever put down;
it's clogging my mind

I want to avoid
you -you make me feel so bad
and call it, "progress"

Its always FIGHTING
-the restraint makes me angry
I should just hit you

gut bigger than breasts
fuck the gym 'cause you gave up.
...
They've taken the kids

No woman writes of
un-sexy, sad, sad, places
hidden within them

Dutch chocolate cookies,
a box of wine -pajamas.
Fell off the wagon

Lets play "Hide and Seek"
and when you never find me,
pretend its a game

Who writes about truth?
Nobody with anything
worth risking; not me.

There are times when I
can be marvelous.  Now; though,
is not one of them

Over is over
while unexpected prelude
is waiting to pounce

Driving the long way;
an emotional short-cut
through confusing fields

What is a country
exhausted from politics?
capitol sunset

Truth is not hiding
If I can't get what I need,
why am I afraid?

Something I did was
horrifyingly scary;
first post break-up date

Mr. Obama,
Why aren't you called, "president?"
Is it because you're...

"I stand for nothing,
But oppose my opponent,
Who supports bad things"

This election boasts;
Jerry Springer in nature
It's so pathetic

I hate to go home
The empty place stands alone
Yet I am more so

Writing goes with wine
Good beer follows a long hike
A martini? Sex

I'd like to sing out
Let my soul land on air waves
And bless what is left

What is insurance?
Imagined control? You sure?
What is assurance?

Rehab for the poor
cannot exist in our world
Don't sit idly by

A mutual dread

of landing in waking dreams
a tango of fog

Fevers of night-sweats
is it sleep, dream, or torment?
mine should be fiction

How vulnerable
that seeing you is a dance
through confusing song

My heart yearns for truth-
for answer, knowledge, closure
(though mind fears they'll stop)

Anticipation
twain on the fence of a blade
an abyss of hope

Our past feeds foresight
an experienced wish for
closed-eyed clarity

Yet with transference
Daylight brings a blinding glare
horizonless. blind.

Measurement

With self-righteousness,
says, "You're a lot more draining"
And pretends he's not

The issues are not
the same, nor is the way we
deal with them

He lifts bars and takes
without giving me the weight
of my owned problems

Selfishly martyred,
he brings pain to the table,
hiding it under

With cool facade, while
throwing my life in my face,
takes like it's his share

He finds his own faults,
because I am accepting,
to be less stressful


He compares unlike
side by side and judges harsh
using the same stick


He doesn't know me
as I thought he always has,
The way I know him

I tried to free him
because I saw what he took
so he could let go

I'd rid him of me
and in return, he gave me
a confused aching

I'd caused him more pain
But when I tried to share it
He just took that too

He doesn't realize
he is hurting me as well
to the same degree

His mixing measure,
so black and white, kills colors.
without seeing them

I am reflection
my view is prismatic light
taken for granted

Equality is
not so quantifiable
it can be measured

Cadenced crescendo
Terrifying emotion
I can't catch my breath

I am bound to you
Song I never thought I'd hear
Now a part of me

"Best" should be enough,
but never is.  I'm always
wanting more from life.

Sleeplessness begs it-
cake, chocolate, cereal, crack;
and so I feed it

Waiting in limbo;
there's a reason the song asks,
"How low can you go?"

Tomorrow is court
And I have no attorney
to keep my kids best interest

Why do you read these?
Help me know words mean something.
They are all I am.

It's time to start to
share the horrors of my day
Will that bring freedom?

Train-wreck or Goddess?
I am true dichotomy.
Can't make up my mind.

Read "TheThirteenth Tale"

Makes me want to teach without

the bile that follows

Sleep is a blessing
I should get friendly with it
-for good hours, of course.

My son missed first grade
It was his dad's day; s'dad called
I waited all day

Tomorrow I'm called
to court, without a lawyer;
against the devil

When I'm afraid, I
become a feral shadow,
consumed by angst's claws

The chink of armor
releases Pandora's box
deafening all hope

If I were to let
go of inhibition, I'd
NEVER stop screaming

Confidence is rare
It's not a size or degree
but a sincere self

A loop is a loop
Others' opinions are moot
I should trust myself

I rock my red hair
Confidence can get me where
I should get myself

I do so much good
but am too hard on myself
So not who I am

Must accept size twelve
at 175 lbs,
I'm five-foot seven

I am a cynic.
I should be more positive,
and make my own "break."

I've worked since age twelve
I am a useless lack of
confidence. This sucks.

Xenophobia;
mine is getting worse and worse
because I WANT out.

I just can't commit
to anything positive
and sadly don't care

I look like I've got
a prosthetic belly on
from a bad movie

175

Thirty pounds.  So depressing.

Went home. Ate cookies.

This afternoon was
much the same; I felt worthless
and doubted myself.

Swallowing my pride,
I try on some clothes. Not good.
Thank GOD there are shoes.

Last week I was blonde
Since, I've been "Manic Panic"
Now It's red/ dark brown

Do I brush my teeth?
Or does hygiene go astray
when breath gets funky?

Applied for ten jobs
Away from my comfort zone
And onto the world

I am completely 
liquidated; no cash flow
Life. It sucks ass.

My anger is huge
At you, others, even me
Ok, mostly me

I can write letters;
plan conversation like lines
of a fucked up play

I trust you above
anyone in this world, but
it's not enough now

Jealousy wasn't
much of a problem before;
It's caught up to me.

My effect on you.
I worry much about it.
I have drained you dry.

I want to take things
from you.  Take all my things back.
And give you your pride.

I don't feel stronger
with you.  Just complete failure.
It's not a good place.

Is it fair to break
whats been stagnant for so long?
I'm hung up on cost.

Where the fuck are you?
I'm trapped in hell all alone.
No. I don't want this.

Against all the odds
-just can't do it anymore
And I'm so sorry

We keep breaking up
My mind toggles with my heart
and I fear we're done

Why can't you love me?
It hurts so much when you run.
Left alone, I'm gone.

Your mother was right
I will never be your pride
My mother was right

I want to punch things,
stop harnessing all the blame
I am innocent

You tried for a while
then the phone-calls stopped, visits;
vicarious, gone

You are so selfish
It's always you and your son
There's no room for me

I despise you, love
Not even sure I want this
cry for second place

I hate you Jason
You made my shitty life worse
All I did was try.

"Electric Lava"
First "Manic Panic"in years
My base for brown hair

Call unemployment...
resubmit application...
Time to work my pride.

Interesting. Also:
neurotic, annoying and
undesirable.

I'm too poor for blonde
and too fat for sausage curls
too young for this grey

I'm a blonde with roots
and I HATE my boring brown.
Time for coco me.

I am a writer
and an unemployed teacher.
I'm a broken heart.

I saw a student,
she wanted so to take my
writing class. This blows.

If depression made
waistlines shrink instead of grow
I'm all for it

Would I sell my soul?
If it meant I kept my kids,
I'd consider it.

"Naked" is not "shame"
Educated women with
no alternatives...

Having fucked over
My dad with my ex's debts
I asked for money

My transmission kicked it.
Financial back-up's all gone.
Unemployment sucks.

I am completely
liquidated; no cash flow.
Life. It sucks ass.

The mirror shows that
my eyes are hollow again.
Maybe if I cried again?

Where do I run to
when I am unwilling to
utilize my legs?

I've gotten all of
my passions under control
-such vapidity

Instead of punching
(Because I'd go way too far)
I beat myself up

I play with makeup
well past the age of my youth
it helps me to hide

My life is over
and instead of my freedom
I hide in a hole

When do we become
shadows of a former self?
I can't remember

I never tried drugs
So afraid to get hooked
I was a smart kid

an alcoholic
isn't only a lonely
theory, but a fact

apathy despised
yet it's all that remains
so I drink off cares

It's my own fault that
I've become a "butter-face"
equivalent waist

writers don't need one
their words are supposed to be enough
but I miss size six

my waistline's vanished
c-section scars and stretch marks
replace declined youth

It's finally set
into my skull via bank
account is empty

vodka for breakfast
some beers to swallow down lunch
whiskey for dinner

Without my children
I am nothing.  With them I
achieve everything.

To die is easy
it's the living that kills me
I have one purpose

Arthritic fingers
once clung to mountains and cliffs.
A key-stroke? Death.

splintering rib cage
-some think it's a heart attack
but it's only pain

We feel the mass of
emotion under our skin
slinking like slushed sludge

Seeking my lost voice
a once powerful gift, now
it screams in silence

tracing my veins I
use my eyes to see lines
roots of all being

when will the lightening
pour down in radiant light,
strike me "Frankenstein"

It's not a good day
I've ended starvation cured
disease I can't feel

I beg for my time
yet in its emptiness there
-sad, melancholy

Combustable lines
jagged, haphazard, simple,
held within a cage

What do we reach for
when "care" no longer applies
to our loathsome sloth?

rocking, rocking, soothe-
petting my hair to say, it's
ok... but I know

My shoulders tense up
Swelling throat muscles starve me
gasping, I reach for...

Unrealized, failure
is nothing to worry on;
but I am aware

Studying with an
anxiety disorder
gives way to panic

Christian drew my blood.
Her love and trust helped me cry.
She saved me today.

Commitment scares me.
Responsibility? dead.
And I'm getting fat.

Great bargains out there
I spend maniacally
not needing a thing

I get Sylvia
-not the great poet; the mom.
I am her illness.

New glasses help me,
not only to see, but to
see truth; with my heart

Magical fingers
dance across the keys and bring
me to my full self

How natural it feels
to sit and write and query.
Pressures fade away

Stronger than Xanax
Even better than a pint
The joy of writing

Today I wrote and
applied for writing jobs and
was happy for once

Anxiety rules;
my system needs renewal,
-no more reading now.

In the coffee shop
Drowning in regret. The job.
Is this a mistake?

Being creative
happens when I need to work
-THAT's constipated.

Strawberries grow green
after the vine is severed
waiting in my fridge

Boxes become meals
Tables pile up with papers
Recycled memories

In the beginning,
I was a rock-climbing god
Now I'm hardly -5

When paddle boarding
don't hang on with your toes, and
remember to stretch

Kitchen timer screams,
telling me when I should stop.
"Should;" -so relative.

Masochistically
setting the bar out of reach
I fear beginning

Waiting takes too long
I know that as soon as I'm
started, I'll have to-

Never-ending rut,
why can't I just get started?
I've always worked hard...

Who could start working
when they have a teeth cleaning,
not me, that's for sure

My brain is "dial-up"
I hardly connect to this
-but I can sell it

Ode to microchips
that someday will implant this
info to my brain

Learning to read law?
SO much easier than this.
I could read cases!

Procrastination.
This material's not fun.
Getting licensed?  AAAAGGGHHHH!

Bed, bills, exercise;
dishes, applications... check!
legal work. Study.

With so much to do
Having already done much
STILL leaves much to do

I don't believe I
Shall get any studying
done... et,cetera...

To grow sunflowers
One needs plant less than a pack
for the deck to hold

The greater import
the better the distractions
tweet, blog, draw, sing, run!

When I know I "should"
I stop, panic, freak out, then
decide; well, do I?

So many headaches
barometric pressure builds
to cascade as rain

Always quieting
my angry, boiling temper,
turns my insides black

...

Hello, my name is...
I've stopped believing in the...
I'm the problem with...

I'm SO done with fear.
If I can't accept myself,
who possibly can?

Stressful situations
left my chemical make-up
for experiment

My soul, my being;
embryonic, plasma-like
and so sensitive

Accepting my faults. Ha!
Like I could ever do that.
They just don't get it.

Dutiful Wife

“Love” as an action
On his hands and in his mind,
and I feel no touch

Passion on his mind
and pouring from his penis;
my body is numb

Although emotions
pour from my eyes, he never
wipes the tears, asks why

Fear covers my skin,
exudes from my secretions
while he smells perfume

Only one body
attends the intertwining
only one mind runs

He won’t ever touch;
I am impenetrable
he will NOT have me

My body is cold,
his anger throbs, pulsing; mad.
My heart is still warm

My eyes remain dry
temporarily hollow
while his juices drip

He connects body
and nails mine to the bed-post
I feel my soul die

My body gets cold
My heart stopped years ago. This;
my wifely duty

My impaled head smiles
Garishly transfixed and forced
My neck holds its farce

A knot scarrs my back.
Beautiful, protective wings
-plucked from my shoulders.

Hide indside the crack
Flesh forced to collide with stone
It's the wall I built

Anxious telephone
Worst bad-news-bearer of all
Vibrating my fear

My daughter with lice
From my ex-husband's they come
My son with a slice

WCW

What happens to faith
beside a wet wheelbarrow
pecked by red chickens?

Creative and fun
Spoke to me more than Jesus
Jim Henson's my man

I broke out in hives
I may be twitching slightly
A new pariah

Trott, trott, to Boston
Trott, trott to Lynne.
Will I fold or win?

Shortly after hope
a cigarette gets put out
in my teary eye

Que quierres Lorca?
Nueva York, pero porque?
El es escritor.

Ich liebe Rilke
Rilke liebte Rilke an
Und so, einer Kunst

Solipsistic man,
why do you write Orpheus?
Your sonnets are shit.

You selfish woman
Everyone's nine months are long
Eat an apple, choke

Dearest Sylvia,
I too am friend Lazerous.
Your companion, -me

My dad underestimates
Me as the mother I am
Strong, wise, and selfless

It is amazing
when used to second guessing
to realize you're right

Today I was brave
Said that I can't marry him
My children come first

Gaging my earlobes
A pair of studs without points
Though age might not match

e.e. dropped his leaf
an ivy grad of world war
one, etcetera

Hampton beach lobster
My mom's favorite birthday gift
-Seafood fest, N.H.

Playing with my kids
in the sand, making castles,
under the pier's cool

Follow the river.
Though you never remain still;
you might yet find peace

When plucked the right way
a fiddle is joy, dance, light!
Mind you, play it well

Belly slit for feast
Seems all my parts are fair game.
Who shall my heart feed?

Fierce dragon wings fly
Extinguishing her own light
The fire breathes no more

she was in the floor
her visage beneath the boards
and I saw her there

Do I want sun? Moon?
I am aware of my own
dichotamous rot.

I tighten word-choice
And limit my verbiage
Resonate, clear voice

Rotting cavities
nose-candy rushes like teeth
to newborn habits

An eternity
Until I call my children
Hour and a half more

When purpose is lost
and my effort -exhausted
it's hard to give back

"When company comes"
I shall dine at the table
With friend, Langston Hughes

Can the unemployed...
sitting in kitchens, in shame,
...sing America?

The send me away
Then fail to see the beauty
of wasted talent

Today I'm ok.
Going through the motions, yeah-
but surviving it.

No closet this time
No going numb, blacking out...
I don't have to hide.

I used to wonder,
did my ex-husband rape me?
He saw it different.

I went back last night
Post-Traumatic-Stress my ass.
hmph; it was my ass.

It was anal rape
I'd only wanted to please
-it wasn't enough

Zombies can't catch you
When you're a "girl on the go"
They lurch far too slow

Struggling, panicked. I'm
Tossed through the storm with anchors
clasping to my legs

The red tide swiims in
Infection, infestation,
Paths lead from the beach

shells, sea-glass, metal...
footprints trailing blood are now
caking up with sand

Hot, stagnant tide-pools
sit in a coma all day
begging for the tide

With blistering sun
and syncopated rhythm,
waves claw at the sand

I've been drowned and left
scraping on the barnicle
with salt-water stare

I fight gracefully
and without alternative
-my war never ends

It's not time that heals,
it's God.  But He is too late
His schedule's different

Desertion will not come.
Life succombs to hell.  Nothing.
But I wear it well.

He takes advantage
Tears me from soul to crack
Then leaves me for dead

Soul shattering scream
her wrist's exhiliration!
Upward flowing blood

Tar black twilight clots
thick and asphyxiating,
piercing starry prayer

I am terrified
My brain is throbbing to tongue
This could be my death

Why stare at the floor
Searching for carpet granules
When you can vacuum?

O.O.OCD
Oooooo, Oooh! OCD CD
Shut up! Get it right!

Bicycle tires. Sand.
Broken pine-tree branches. Breaks.
Her neck was exposed.

How are you surprised?
Left out in the rain and cold,
A bicycle rusts.

A man and his dog;
may no one have to journey
without such a friend.

U

http://crephoto.net/2012/03/30/tokyo-monogatari-by-ilse-leenders.html

The rain splashed up mud.

She'd already washed the stairs!

Umbrellas would work...

V

A vase cannot hold

a rose's exquisite form;

each petal -soft milk

W

Waiting forever

It sits in sand and moonlight

It fell this winter

X

Only thing I miss?

Has nothing to do with him.

Just this camping trip.

Y

Youth, when encouraged,

Work harder than you'd know, given

Opportunity

Z

Exploring a zoo,

Beauty in color all 'round.

Will she use her wings?

Complete A-Z Challenge

"A" is Amanda

I am stronger than you'd think

Inside-out, I love

 

"B" the angry bitch

has an Asshole ex-husband

who hurts children (yep).

 

"C" is “head” -his name

"You'll never see them again!"

His language speaks pain

 

"D" is to be damned

by someone who promises death

kidnapping my kids

"E" is everyone

whose international spouse

stole children; taught fear

 

"F" is forgiveness

should I give it to myself?

Yes. But to let go...

 

"G," it says, "I wonder."

Do I want reality?

Or do I prefer...

H” my heart beats strong

and with such amazing love

it chokes in my throat

 

"I" is for myself

who won't be treated like dirt

my children shall know

 

"J" the jugular-

Young girls who thirst for blood-lust.

What a sad culture.

 

"K" is my surname

it was lost for ten years once

now I'm me again

 

"L" is for ending

right shoulder/ torn ligaments

I won't climb again

 

"M" is so cliché-

a McGuffin Hitchcock film;

dial it for murder.

"N" is for Russia;

read, Lolita in Tehran"

My vodka ice clinks.

 

"O" is a phantom

my children leave tomorrow

my heart dies each time

 

"P" is religion

Phenomenology's ghost

Philosophy's host

 

"Q" is the blade

silent, easy, bloody out

I wish she’d resist

 

"R" is my daughter

I miss naming her freckles

when she is away

 

"S" is for my son

My Boynton, "Snuggle Puppy"

sad, confused, and angry

 

"T" nearly completes

the guillotined crucifix

hanging by a thread

 

"U" is below me;

a Germanic term

for what’s not surfaced

 

"V" is an hour glass

my body crushed by snow

drowned in the Ukraine

 

"W" is for winner

Tell me now, is that a joke?

No... I'm just a fool.

 

"X" is censorship,

sewing your lips together.

Tear those stitchings off!

 

"Y" can be a vowel

but usually is a question

it measures three sounds

 

Z" is 'round midnight

it took a lot to get here;

FINALLY I'm tiredzzzzzzz

Soduko puzzles.
Erasing through the page.
Insomnia's cure.

www.dragonblogger.com

"C" is the contest
@ dragonblogger.com
This should help me win

When I prayed for death
The universe just sent me
a letter of time

One telephone call
made my children cry and cry.
That bastard! Their dad.

A to Z challenge "H"

"H" is for a wig
a donation that will bring
healing, pride, and strength

Weighing in just shy-
Too skinny boy, too fat girl,
Pressure always fit

Waist lines; muffin-tops
Slender, svelte, dysmorphia
Mirrors say so much

Bodily functions
No noises in a deaf world
Yet everyone stares

Is it dry or damp?
Swallowing wont' remind me
Only beg restraint

My stomach lurches
Intestinal spasms, pain
Pump the valve again

I see such pure skin
Beneath the stretch-marks and scars
Is that a freckle?

Indian Summer
My favorite season
Has mine come to pass?

Uttered languages
I was not allowed Russian
So spoke the wrong words

I hate to be late
This standard being challenged
Tardiness presides

My son is screaming
He isn't getting his way
How long 'til he stops?

When my self can't think
My being yearns to become
Extraordinary

A warm breeze blows early
Is it a "Strawberry Spring?"
Or just a nice day?

My heart beats so strong
And with such amazing love
It chokes in my throat

Why seek to escape
A responsibility
That oen truly loves?

My children need me
Though I am a great mother
I fear failing them

Immune system down
Viral infection this time
Endocrine outage

Xenaphobia
Anxious, scared and all-alone
Is hell my own choice?

If my mind were free
And my body uninjured
Would my being live?

I no longer work
With kindled passion to teach
To students' forfeit

For my birthday treat
I made "haikuicise" blog
And danced without feet