Red Flushes

Her chest flushes red.
Is it inactivity?
from holding breath still?

Instead of crying,
rather than punch walls, screaming,
Her chest flushes red.

If I could bottle
courage like I bottle up
in fear I'd be fine

I need a doctor
I'm afraid of telephones
and don't have a car

Real Meaning

"Mom, you're a hero"
I laughed, asking what she meant.
"Mom, you're my hero"

new shute

I'm not a teacher
I used to be a great one
but not anymore

I made notations
of what got my mind off things
what gave me some peace

Its in a garden
working with dirt and flowers
and people and stone

I inquired on time
(maybe its what I needed)
At last I'm hopeful

My life needs to grow
its been dormant for so long
I am SO ready

I was Right!

Personality
quiz told me I need to be
outside and moving

Administration?
Customer Service? Desk job?
Those would be my death

I thought it was weird
Why this makes me feel insane
And there you have it


 

 

Last night she told me
that she didn't miss me now
"not like I see you"

but I have a job
that I leave her for daily
to fend on her own

it ripped my heart out
(but I don't want her to know)
the sore's still bleeding

Image by: Dorryce Rock

I ate three donuts
I call it emotional
but thats no excuse

I sit on my porch
my feet likely have frostbite
but here I'm ok

Its not a garden
this balcony bathed in light
anticipating...

It longs for the spring
as I await happiness
with such hopeful soil

It is so lonely
in my head.  I dare not share
the isolation

I can make beauty
but cannot hold it within
Its the same with peace

Langston, My Love

I want to explode.
I once burned bright like the sun
-but that's been deferred

Festering regret
a sore begun in my heart
is now so heavy

My dreams are dried up
rotten sugar promises
What happened to me?

More insomnia
a celebratory glass
I've fallen apart

women prostitutes
left with no other option
I understand why

My Daughter's Disappointment

I should be grateful
And I am.  Really.  Just not...
Happy about it.

With my daughter's face
in full beauty and sadness
I saw it all drop

"I got a job, hon"
I gave the news in person
just minutes before

She knew the meaning
Spending more time with her dad
and less time with me

I had her same hours
I taught with the same hours she
learned.  And I loved it

But all that's gone now
For over a full year now
and I need to earn

Less than half my pay
I'll settle for less than that
If I can keep her

I can't afford death
(And I'd die if I lost her)
I needed a job

And I am grateful
I'm just not very happy
To lose time with her

understand, for me
emotional suicide
sits at a desk job

I chose humbly so
hours would not replace my kids
and they won't.  I won't.

Soon to interview
data entry bullet holes
for whatever's left

Destruction must come
without it, there's on rebirth
and stasis is dull

Hard Kiss

hand on bare torso
in an alleyway hiding
hair grab.   pull.     hard kiss

Exile in Layoff Land

Exiled from a life

I spent my whole life building

leaves me in the dark

What is expected

After you've been rejected

with no other plans?


When I was let go

I started in shock, denial

then... anxiety

Then worse rejection

losing opportunities

to lower-paid kids

When you work and live

and raise children and vote there

and know half the town

Constant reminders

Of a bastardized lifestyle

Everywhere I go

My friends all have jobs

where I worked/lived for so long

now I don't see them

How could I see them?

A walk through the market sucks,

I duck behind aisles!

But I love my kids

and they really love this town

So I choke it back

I need the fuck out

out of this shame and anger

I'll stay in this town.

But not in this place

I'm done with their witch-hunt

I LIVE here. So deal.

The Looking Glass

I don't recognize
the shadows under my eyes
the lines by my lips

I know the stretch marks
my apostrophes for cheeks
the scar from a fall

I laugh at myself

as white hairs peek through red dye

springing up like weeds

a skeleton leaps out

a visage reflecting light
wearing a grimace

I'd look to see whose,
but the sadness in my eyes
can't get close enough

Sex Tool

sex is a tool, love
not as bastardized machine
but fortifying

exquisite is the

lovers' use of expression

when there are no words

a gift to console;
-making up after a fight
requires its sweetness

sex is pure evil
when used against innocence
or the unwilling

sad. many just "do,"
without valuing its taste
or understanding

sex is dynamic;
it mends, destroys, and rebuilds
-please, use it wisely

Two Gifts

I don't regret it

That is to say I do but 

for my life's two gifts

And though I give all

I won't give them up ever

and so am stuck here

Second is ok.

I give them first whole-hearted

and without regret

...but I do regret

and those become midnight toils

questions unanswered

If I called the cops...

If I wasn't so afraid...

If I was stronger...

It should be enough

to know that I DID protect

to know they won't know

Memories are torture

I barricaded my doors

bed pans in the room

"It's just a game, see?

We can't let him in the room.

Just wait for quiet."

"Hear say" it was called

It only happened one time

(afraid to say more...)

And so it repeats

what I couldn't say in court

again in my head

Not in words that shy

But unexpected floods

of sharp images

Not when I expect

But from nowhere -everywhere

It is happening

Three peaceful years went

He was treating them better

with half custody

I suppressed/blacked out

(many are gone forever)

-our... my memories

I left.  I have them.

They make all bad into good

And I did change it

I did it for them

They don't remember his deeds

but I am haunted 

Entrapment

I am trapped by life.

The one I worked at wholly

has left me undone

My lifetime I learned

Sacrificing and working

-only to stop shy

If only I lacked thirst,

but I have ambition, need

the mind to create...

Without a purpose

I am denying myself

and my brain runs dry

My intellect burns

with every application

for a numb lifestyle

I am NOT a wife

Not a telemarketer

nor doctor nor cop

It's not the income

or a prideful mindset, no

I know what I am.

What I hold is a

beauty of intelligence

and the gift to share

I am a scholar,

thinker, writer, teacher

all been left to rot

Cruel injustices
like lapping waves of feces
disease my bare feet